Gleeality: stuff that will never happen
by neverhappy10
Summary: In which Mr Schue is a pedobear, Asians are background characters, Sam is nowhere to be found, Artie is irrelevant, and Faberritana are endgame  and if you like Finn, don't read this . AU-ish.
1. Chapter 1

I don't even know what this is. I'm probs discontinuing that last summer :(((((((((( BUT I HONESTLY COULD NOT STAY AWAY FROM WRITING FANFIC. So yeah, this happened. This place needs more (bad) humor.

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><p>"Everyone, I have an announcement to make." Mr Schue walks in, greasy hair and pedobear grin in tow. Rumor has it, he 'discovered' Finn by hearing him in the boys' shower, what was the Spanish teacher even doing in the boys shower room afterschool anyway? That's not weird AT ALL. No wonder Ms Pilsbury dumped his ass. Or maybe she's still with him, whatever. Relationships in Glee are more melodramatic than an episode of Jersey Shore, plus people change boyfriends and girlfriends quicker than they change their outfits (aside from the Cheerios and the Warblers, who seem to sleep in their uniforms or something).<p>

Next to him, Blaine Warbler has a big ole toothy smile on his face, and *gasp* no uniform. Just a simple jeans and polo on. Gotta admit, the blazer did contribute a ton to his overall appeal. Now that it was gone...well...

"Please welcome our newest member this year, Blaine Anderson." Huh, so that's his last name, everyone had thought it was Warbler for real. Next to Finn, Kurt looked as though he'd just found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, which yeah, makes sense. If you're all dumb enough not to get that overtly obvious wordplay, then...yeah...leave. This is Glee, kindly leave your heterosexuality at the door.

What was he expecting though, after proposing to him for God knows how many times to join New Directions, you'd think he'd kind of know about Blaine _joining New Directions_ (even though it was senior year, and apparently his parents got no say in this school move). He'd have to get used to adults going around telling him what to do though. 'Teachers', that's what they're called, apparently.

Everyone clapped, because they were a family, (albeit one with new members joining and people leaving every few weeks) and that's what families did. Support each other or some other crap. Blaine immediately joins Kurt in the front row, and ending the klaine part in this chapter.

Rachel smiled because she think it'd be a good distraction for Kurt, since he's her only real competition and all (even though he's never sung a solo during competitions before...), plus she was almost done writing the 'falling in love with a gay man' (working title, people) chapter in her autobiography (it's never too early to prepare yourself for your inevitable superstardom). New material was needed.

The two token Asians sat in the back, sitting quietly like the good background characters and occasional plot devices they were.

Also in the back row, Santana and Brittany were having one of their signature best friend moments which consisted of them practically sitting on each other's lap and eye-sexing like nobody's business. Brittany had tried to hit on Blaine several times (for reasons still a mystery to this day) and the last time that happened, Santana just had to interfere and kiss Britt herself, in front of thousands of screaming perverts (not to mention how tumblr exploded and 'THEY KISSED' trended worldwide for 12 hours straight on twitter). Typical best friend behavior if you ask me. God, it was just a peck on the lips. If only people could see what they get up to in the privacy of their rooms...Again, not weird at all, because they're best friends, and Brittany would tell you that the plumbing's totally different. Truth.

In front of the pair (who were busy whispering something about Lady Kisses to each other and Santana smiling goofily like the whipped girlfr- err, smiling goofily like how one best friend would smile to the other best friend, in a completely non-lovestruck and platonic way) Rachel and Quinn shared a meaningful look with each other, before Quinn tentatively reaches for Rachel's (only slightly mannish) hand (which, surprisingly could come in rather handy from time to time...if you catch her drift, which hopefully you all do, because otherwise why are you even reading this?).

As Mr. Schue starts to grab a marker to write down onto the whiteboard his word for the week (which he'd probably just thought of the previous day, due to something Emma said) so that they could begin their assignments which would just become forgotten the week after, Rachel stood up, and Quinn followed.

"If I may, Quinn and I also have something important to say..." (and to answer your questions, that may or may not have been intended to rhyme)

Mr Schue looked from their intertwined hands back up to the two girls, well _this_ is gonna be interesting. The Spanish teacher who spends zero time preparing his lessons (of course not. He's too busy lurking outside boys changing rooms looking for possible new talent, chilling in the lunchroom waiting for Emma to come so they could have ~deep and meaningful~ conversations regarding their on again off again relationship, or sitting in his huge, comfortable home in front of the fireplace. Because high school teachers earn so much money) practically foamed at the mouth (not because two young hotties were holding hands in front of him or anything). Last time those two sang a duet together, it was good. Not good enough to perform at Nationals, since the obvious way to prepare your set list for a competition on a large scale like that would be to write original songs the night before you competed, but it was good.

"Of course." He motions to the floor and takes his seat next to Finn, whose face was literally priceless as realization began to dawn on him. Just to recap, he dated Quinn at the start of sophomore year, then he dated Rachel, then proceeded to go back and forth between the two, losing his virginity to Santana Lopez somewhere in the middle. The same Santana Lopez who looks like she's having a fun time munching on Brittany's neck (in a completely platonic manner, etc etc etc).

"We're dating." Quinn announces, somewhat blushing, as the pair give each other lovesick looks.

People are literally shitting themselves. Except, not really. Asians remained indifferent (and will continue to be this way whenever something happens, unless stated otherwise), Artie shrugs, Puck suggests a threesome, (since that's what Puck always did whenever lesbians were involved) Sam was nowhere to be found (because he's a guest star now), Mercedes is probably thinking about the tots she's gonna have for lunch, and Santana and Brittany are too damn busy feeling each other up and whispering jokes into each other's ear. Private jokes. Well, Finn was, he looked a little green actually. Everyone, let's have a little moment of silence for dear Finn Hudson's totally legitimate ~lovelife~. Moment over, now back to Faberry.

"Um, I gotta go..." He say, already getting up from his chair. Too bad. Santana had always wanted to see him weep like a little girl. Except, oh, she already had. Bawled like a baby when he couldn't get it up the first time.

"To the showers?" Ok, so Will Schuester didn't actually say that (out loud). Instead, he just nodded his head and wished for a kiss from the two girls. Did it just get a little hotter in here?

"Eh, congratulations girls, I'm happy for you."

Not to be outdone, Santana also stands up and pulls Brittany with her. "Me and Britts are dating, too." (the biggest shock of the motherfucking millennium, ladies and gents).

Mercedes turns around, surprised, "I thought you two were dating since you and Artie broke it off."

"Yeah, so did I." Tina speaks up (quite useful for a group scene, this one).

Mr Schue (whom from now on will be referred to as pedo-Will) nods, "To be honest girls, you were pretty inseparable. You guys even showered together."

Brittany's brow scrunches up in confusion, "How would you know when we shower, Mr Schue?"

No comment. Awkward silence in the room.

"So, seeing as there are no more announcements to be made, let's talk about this week's assignment." Pedo-Will stands up and writes a big 'senior year' on the whiteboard, then underlining it. "It's your senior year guys, the very last one before you all head off to do big things. Trust me, you're all gonna have the time of your lives. So, for this assignment, I just want you all to sing a song that describes your high school experience. The best, or the worst thing about Mickinley. Up to you."

A few glances are being exchanged in the room, it would also mean that they are all going to head off in different directions after graduation. Sure, they could meet up and have a reunion or whatever, but it just wouldn't be the same.

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><p>So, the thing with this fic is that I'mma have fun writing it, so any sort of song ideas, anything you wanna see happen, Any text from last night, fml you wanna see, just tell me and I'll try to write it in. That's if anyone is even reading this...I don't like begging for reviews, but in all seriousness, I'm a total review whore.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Brad..the piano guy. How do you even begin to explain Brad the piano guy?

Puck: Brad is flawless. He never needs preparation or even sheet music. Wait, why is that? People just start singing and he always knows what song they're gonna sing...Is he a mind reader? That'd be so cool.

Artie: I hear he owns like, only one outfit but has like, 10 pianos.

Kurt: I hear nobody knows his last name. Or maybe he doesn't have one, he's like a witch or something, that's why he always wears black. Looks quite good on him, fashion knows no gender, after all.

Mike: ...So I'm allowed to speak now or...?

Rachel: One time he heard me sing, and I was outstanding as per usual.

Finn: Who's Brad?

Pedo-Will: What? I'm not a pedo, who said I was a pedophile? I didn't sleep with any of the students, and that one time I kissed Holly in front of the kids was just in the heat of the moment. Plus I only overheard Finn in the shower and came closer to get a better view- I mean to get a better listen, it wasn't a big deal or anything. I didn't watch him shower...well, not for long at least.

Santana: One time I told him he was furniture, and he just shrugged. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he know where I'm from? Lima Heights Adjacent, he wouldn't be shrugging if he saw what goes down there, BAD THINGS.

Brittany: One time I said hi to him, and he said hi back. It was totally awesome.

Everyone strolled in, and as usual, Brad was already there, with his game face on, ready to take on playing his beloved piano. Or maybe he's planning to kill them all in their sleep, who knows what he does outside piano playing. Stay tuned and you might find out.

"I havez something I wants to say, pedo-Wi..um, I mean, Mr Schue." Santana said almost immediately as she took her usual seat next to Brittany. All while their pinkies were tightly intertwined. How fucking cute is that?

"Um, Santana, it's actually 'have'-" Blaine started to correct the girl, wow, he must be new, Kurt shhhed him quickly. "Blaine, you don't ever correct Santana's grammar. That's like, social suicide."

"Yep, sure, go ahead." Pedo-Will nodded, highly appreciating that green dress she was wearing. Damn, did it get shorter? Not that he paid attention or anything. Because he was madly in love with Emma, whose OCD is just so cute.

Santana stood up and faced Brittany, smiling lovingly at the girl (everyone, you all better be d'awww-ing right now. SAY 'AWW' OR ELSE).

"Brittany, you are my best friend. You know that right?"

The blonde nodded enthusiastically.

"I should've done this a long time ago, but I get butterflies when I look into your eyes. You're constantly on my mind. The days spent without you suck so bad, but the nights pass in a blissful blur of conversation and dreams. You were my first kiss, my first love. The only one that matters, that ever mattered. And I want to be with you, together, forever. You are the yin to my yang, or the yang to my yin, whatever. You complete me, I _love_ you."

...

"Meh, my proposal was ten times better, Santana." Kurt said in a matter-of-fact tone. And Blaine smiled in that lovestruck, dreamy way you do when your boyfriend proposed to you (in front of thousands, in a stadium, and it was to join the freakin Glee club. Not to join him at McKinley, not to go on some holiday, not to move in together, but to join the Glee club. Whatever, details, details).

"I thought you were already dating...?" Artie, that little fucker. Call Santana a bitch, but she wanted to punch that kid in the face everytime she saw him. Calling her Brits stupid...like, bad move bro. BAD. FUCKING. MOVE.

Quinn rolled her eyes, "Wow, Santana, did you copy that out of a book? Really though, you complete me? You stole a line from Tom Cruise. That was just...I know you didn't even take second grade English or whatever, but that was just like bad fanfiction."

"It doesn't matter Santana, I thought it was beautiful." Brittany told her, a bright smile gracing her features, and it's enough to make Santana's heart melt, "I would love to be with you."

"Wait, Brits, do you mean that or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Santana, just watch me and learn, yeah? Take it from someone who knows how to actually romance a girl." Oh yeah, bitches love romance.

"Of course, I should just go around slapping everyone I like on the face," Santana deadpanned. "Yeah, I know what went down that night, Fabray."

_That_ night. Yep, Prom night. _The_ prom night. Let's just say after Quinn got out of that bathroom, she couldn't walk properly for weeks. NOBODY has ANY idea of what happened though, of course *wink wink* (honestly, installing a hidden camera into the bathrooms to make sure there weren't any inappropriate activities going on was the best idea McKinley High ever had. Pedo Will actually does do some good around here.)

Rachel just sort of looked at Santana in horror, just imagine her reaction to when Brittany explained how she knew she was pregnant. You literally cannot describe that shit into words.

"Whatever, Lopez, I'm not the one here who secretly slipped cigars to a freakin cat to get its approval. A cat, Santana. Really?"

Santana...omg, she _blushed_. Holy shit. Santana Lopez actually blushed, in embarrassment. How the fuck is it that Quinn and Santana knew these things about each other? Nobody knows. It's one of the mysteries of the universe, such as did Lord Tubbington really read Brittany's diary? And WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CHARITY? And Beth? And that disabled guy Rachel promised to go visit? NOBODY KNOWS. Mysteries of the universe.

"San...you know how I feel about Lord T smoking!"

"I didn't Brits, he stole my cigars from my bag while we were-" suddenly realizing they were in front of an amused audience (especially pedo Will, who looked like he was in heaven), Santana leaned in closer and whispered the last part into Brittany's ear. Hehe, as the narrator, I was allowed to hear what was said, but I shall not abuse my privileges, it's their privacy (although I might put up what I know on ebay...if people are interested...off the record, of course).

Brittany's cheeks turned a deep scarlet. Oh...well, she could definitely imagine how that would put Santana in a compromising position (quite literally) and be distracted. Lord Tubbington, wow, for that he was gonna have to go to his naughty corner for a whole week.

"So, are we gonna sing or-" Mike started. OK, he can't even sing.

Pedo Will immediately holds his hand up, "No, no, Mike, let's let them finish first." This was exactly why he signed up to be a highschool teacher. To be able to educate the younger generation and shape them into great citizens in the future. Some shit like that.

"Hey everyone, sorry I'm late," Is it coach Sylvester coming in to plot her latest scheme (which never even works anyway, so no idea why she keeps trying)? Is it Brad the piano guy's twin brother who just happens to also play the piano? Nope, it's Sam! Who doesn't like green eggs and ham. "I had this..."

Everyone tuned out, but basically, Sam's back!

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><p>Idk idk idk. This chapter was just like a big puddle of whatthefuckery. I've something newwww in the works though, something which could be either veeerryy interesting or utter shit. But I need to open up another account, because this account's been compromised.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Previously on Gleeality: some shit happened that will probably be blatantly ignored this chapter.

"The new Muckraker, hot off the press ladies and gentlemen. We have exclusive scoop on the hot and steamy hand holding right here!" The annoyingly whiny voice of Jacob Ben Israel echoed through the hallways of one McKinley high school (see? We're still at McKinley high. Now that's what you call continuity) as people wandered, jogged, powerwalked and slushied their way to their respective classes. Let's take a moment of silence for those who have slipped and fell face first into the floor thanks to those nasty, nasty slushies and the lack of janitors to clean up. Moment over, let's catch up with our favorite juniors and seniors, shall we?

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><p><strong>Hallway:<strong>

Mike and Tina walked hand in hand to an AP class together, even though Tina's a junior and Mike is a senior. LOVE CONQUERS ALL. They've been doing their stereotypical thing, getting all A+++++ or something. I know what you're all asking. If A- is an "Asian F", then wtf is an Asian A, B, C or D? When you solve that, start thinking about what a "Caucasian B" is. Come to think of it, they should have a whole new system for Finn…

Finn (eurgh) idk, did some stuff, came out (LOLZ COME OUT. Yeah, why don't you just come out of the closet, Finn? You just can't admit to yourself that you're in love with your 27 cats but you're afraid they don't love you back. You're nothing but a coward, Finn. Why don't you go slap yourself, Finn? Go jump off a cliff, Finn*) as the hero, as per usual. Rumor has it, Finn and Blaine had a little tete-a-tete in the gym or some place with a punching bag. It's unclear whether or not Blaine had to stand on a stool in order to reach said punching bag. Although he probably did have to, at least to be able to make proper eye contact with Finn.

Speaking of Blaine. He co-founded the Dalton branch of the non-violent Fight club. Doesn't make sense? Well, neither does the guy's clothes. Hands up if you're still wondering whether he's dressed like a really really old man or a 5 year old.

Quinn and Rachel…can wait because I just got news that a mysterious heiress to a multi-million dollar empire who goes by the name of Sugar just arrived in town. Sugar Motta. Now, why does that name sound so familiar? Let's just say she…came from the future…..as the daughter of a certain miss B pierce and S lopez. Sounds mysterious? That's because it is. Are you all astounded by my ability to come up with euphemisms? SSshhhh, I know you are.

**Somewhere secluded and private on McKinley campus**:

"Hey, San?"

Brittany Pierce's pinky crept over and nestled against the girl lying down besides her. Like a magnet, Santana's latched onto and intertwined with her's.

"Yeah, Brit?" She replied lazily, content.

"We're everyone's favorite couple, right?"

Santana smirked, her eyes still closed. "Of course, B. People love us, aside from the nutjobs that think I'm into Finn. I mean, ew."

Santana's eyebrow shot up as the blonde's face suddenly came closer to hers. "Um, Brit, what are you doing?"

"It's this new thing that everyone else is doing, San. I think it's called 'kissing'?"

Santana blinked. "What's kissing?"

"I think it's when we *this has been censored due to the risque nature of the information*"

Huh. So that's this so called 'kissing'. She's heard of it before, but doing it with Brittany? Never occurred to her.

"Listen, pretty soon we'll be able to do whatever we want, okay? Including this kissing business." She pulled the blonde down for a hug. Oof, hugging Brittany was always such a turn on. "In the meantime, why don't we steal the keys from the imaginary janitor and go hold hands?"

Brittany blushed. "You're hot."

Spotted. S and B sneaking off for a little rendezvous during school hours. Oops, wrong show.

Ok, back to the other blonde and brunette. What? No, not Sam and Kurt…..Quinn and Rachel….

**Rachel or Quinn's house, idk**:

"So did anyone do the SATs? Because I heard you're supposed to take it if you want into a school like Yale." Rachel asked casually, flipping through the comments section of her Barbara Streisand website and wondering where her dads always were and if they were gonna look any different from the pics.

"Yale?" Quinn looked puzzled. And wtf were the SATs? The term sounded familiar…possibly from the requirements of getting into any given university…But who cared, right? Any admissions board would be more than willing to accept her because of reasonable reasons. But she did have some personal issues to deal with, like her age. She'd been 18 earlier in the season, then Sam told her to hold onto 16, and now she's back to being 17...? (Or, maybe this was all linked to a bigger conspiracy. Maybe you have subconsciously time travelled?) Life's tough when you're crazy one minute, and sane the next. Also, a bunch of people have compared you to a lion (although the lion!Quinn does have a nice ring to it, you have to admit) and said that you have serial killer tendencies (text from Santana earlier: Hey, Q. I have a name for you. Ryan Murphy. I don't care how you do it. Thanks, love, S). #whitegirlproblems. Txt it. Why was the writer of this still writing about you in 2nd person?

**Wherever Sam was staying:**

"Soooo, I'm back. I'm a stripper now. If anyone's interested in a private party, call –"

**Glee club, later on that day:**

"Hey Jack and the Finn stalk. Cheating on Blaine cheating on Kurt with the leprechaun already? Didn't even know that was physically possible. Kudos."

"Santana." Finn muttered, taking a seat.

"Awesome one, San."

"Thanks, Brit."

"Do you think that in an alternate universe, our lips would be attached to each others in what people call a 'kiss' right now?"

"Guess we'll never know, B. Guess we'll never know."

Everyone was chatting amongst each other about some shit, when pedo Will walked in. He wasn't alone. Never a good sign.

"Hey, everyone." The girl waved, and a certain pair of Cheerios (not the cereal) could've sworn she smiled at them for a second longer than everyone else. Eh, nothing too out of the ordinary, they were pretty hot. "I'm Sugar."

"Alright, New Directions, I want you all to give a warm round of applause for our newest member!" Pedo Will gestured to the girl standing beside him.

Since they were a family and all that, everyone clapped politely.

"Just a heads up. I have Aspergers syndrome, so sometimes I might refer to some of you guys as 'mom'"

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><p><strong>More mysteries of the gleeverse<strong>:

Aspergers, OR ARE THEY REALLY YOUR MOTHERS?11?

Was Finn's head what poked the hole in the ozone layer?

Aren't I missing something important starting with the letter t and ending with 'roubletones'?

Where's Mercedes?

Will Blaine's height ever stop being the subject of jokes?

All in due time.

P.S: *Extra brownie points if you don't come back.


End file.
